A couple years ago there was this big blogging movement called, “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.” I first heard about it on Creature Comforts but lots of other bloggers participated. I didn’t set out to write a post like this, I really just wanted to jot down some goals for the new year, but it kinda turned it to dishing things I wouldn’t normally write about on here. So I thought I would just go for it and dive right in to my goals for 2014 that also happen to be some things that make me a teeny bit nervous to click the publish button on this post. Here we go!
Goal 1. Don’t be so scared. As I get older, I notice I’m more afraid – of everything! I seem to appreciate the fragility of life more than ever before and that makes me want to stop taking risks and stop stepping outside my comfort zone. Nice and comfortable, like the pair of old sweats I can’t throw out because they’re so familiar and soft, that’s the mode I’ve been trying to live in for the past year. 2013 was a blessing and a curse. I got to quit my job that was no longer fulfilling and I could do whatever I wanted. And I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. And I let that kind of freedom stall me. Atrophy my confidence and creativity. I got scared! I don’t think it’s the freedom that caused those things, but the first domino in line that caused the chain reaction. Fear of failure keeps me from creating the content I want to for this blog, so I haven’t really tried lately. Fear of rejection keeps me from reaching out to potential sponsors or collaborators or even making new friends. A small but more tangible example: we had a lot of turbulence on my last flight coming back from the Caribbean and it was so upsetting that it made me never want to fly again (I will of course, continue to fly). When I finally realized how I’ve been self-sabotaging, I couldn’t BELIEVE who I’d become. Momma didn’t raise no scaredy cat. I’ve always been insecure about a lot of things, but at least I tried to push myself towards uncomfortable situations that usually led to rewards. I’ve stopped pushing myself and that’s not cool. Writing this post is the first baby step, you know, by declaring to the whole internet my deepest fears and desires and all, and is actually a great segue in to goal #2.
Goal 2. Blog more. I started writing this blog and it was great….but then… people started reading it. Not that I’ve ever had a negative reaction; on the contrary, all my comments from readers have been super supportive and uplifting. Which is a SO AWESOME to hear and I ALWAYS make sure to respond and relay my sincerest gratitude, but also creates a tiny voice in the back of my head that says, “Don’t screw this up, Katy.” And without anyone forcing me to write or produce content, and feeling like all the other blogs out there are so much better than mine, and mine is completely amateur hour, I froze. I went long stretches without writing, not letting myself be creative or sharing my thoughts because I thought they were dumb. Now, to be fair, part of my slow down in writing WAS due to the fact that I was renovating a house and painting it from top to bottom and then moving…and that really did take over my life for a bit. But I also think I used it as an excuse to not try to blogging more during the process.
I’ve had several people ask me if I’m going to start blogging more now in the new year; get back to my daily posts. And my answer is: I really hope so! Such a wussy answer, but my confidence doesn’t feel built up enough to answer with a resounding, “HELL YEAH, WORLD! HERE I COME!” though the goal is to get there. :)
Goal 3. Exercise with people. Here’s another thing I’ve never talked about on here that I’m a little afraid to reveal. I have struggled with for years, and may always struggle with, my weight. It’s been a constant battle and source of anxiety since I was a young child (about 8 years old) and grew up being overweight. My last semester of college I took a chance and responded to a flyer from exercise science majors looking for students to train that wanted to lose weight and it changed my life. I lost 50 pounds that semester and have successfully kept it most of it off for years, but the scale’s been creeping back for a while now and I just refuse to go all the way back to where I started. Losing weight is the hardest thing in the world. My relationships with food and exercise have never been truly healthy and it’s something I have to continually work on. I notice that I am most successful with consistently exercising and living a healthy life style when other people are involved to make it fun, have some accountability, and look forward to it each day. I’ve had a couple other personal trainers since college and would love nothing more than to keep going if the budget allowed for it. Seriously, nothing compares to working with a legit, skilled trainer that pushes you but also becomes a friend. I miss the luxury of having someone kick my butt SO MUCH :) (Atlanta peeps – Body Solutions in Buckhead is the absolute best if you can spare the $560 or so a month. It’s pricey, but they’re the best.) I’m excited to try out a kettlebell gym soon though and am hoping that trying something new, in a group setting, will lend some more consistent motivation than (sporadically) working out by myself, and make it interesting and fun. Time to get in shape for goal #4…
Goal 4. Have a BABY! This is not an announcement that I’m pregnant. Just an announcement that I hope to be soon. :) Parker and I now feel settled enough and ready to start a family. I’ve been inching my way toward “ready” for a long time, always knowing that I would want children some day, but the idea was very abstract; sometime in the future. The time has come though that I now feel it in my bones, an aching to be a mother. It’s no longer a nice idea or something I’m sure I’ll want in the future. Now it feels like my calling in life. Like all my steps have been leading me toward this path and I’m no longer walking toward it, but running for it. So. Fingers crossed 2014 is the year we welcome our first child. I suppose this isn’t really a “thing I’m afraid to tell you”, but it’s usually considered bad luck to talk about trying to get pregnant for fear of jinxing it. But I’m looking at it more like sending my wish out in to the universe in hopes that positive energy or something will make it come true. So wish us luck! :)
Okay, that’s it! No more heavy stuff for a while. Feels good to get it out though! I didn’t want to even think about these things and kept pushing them to the back of my mind, but something about making the decision to become a parent forces you to want to be a better person I think. And figure out your own stuff so you can be a good example to your kids. That’s what I’m feeling any way. :)
Tell me: do you have goals for this new year that go beyond the typical workout more/eat better/work-life balance type resolutions? Any that are little scary to say out loud? I’d love to hear yours!